Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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