Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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