i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
