So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
