just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
