meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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