i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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