Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
