I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
