so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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