the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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