Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
