Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
