Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
