Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
