he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
