he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
