FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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