Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
