I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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