Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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