3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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