You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
