i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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