I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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