Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
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