No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
