I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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