Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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