Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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