I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
