She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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