You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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