Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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