i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.