did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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