My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
