HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
