So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
