You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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