Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
