I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize