then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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