Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.