i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
false alarm, still single
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