I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
