there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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