I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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