3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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