New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
