the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
