Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
