when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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