I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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