Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
